...So

So I wept, bitterly, angrily, knowing full well all that lay inside me, knowing I had kept myself running from it far longer then I first intended.
Here I sit, knowing full well the price due for such a revelation, the truth now known, has need of action, and of that I am greatly lacking; not because of desire, but because of lost direction. It is well with me that I have never spoken, because most words uttered out of my mouth have been lies. My heart is evil and wants justice and vengeance, and not grace; but only for myself. I am the one who is to be pitied, to be feared, not mocked or proven wrong by simple arguments of pointless matters. There is nothing remotely healthy about living two lives pretending to be two people, knowing you are only one of them, and yet both. So I wept. Perhaps for the emotion of it, the share thrill of knowing I can make myself dissolve with tears. Though I prefer to believe it was genuine. Even if my heart is evil, none the less, my spirit is still pure – it has just been slowly dying. And so I come to my revelation that all I believed is true, and all I have suffered is real, and all I am is walking contradictions; one after another after another…
So I am ashamed. Not because I am not the same as them, but because I am.
I am ashamed at them and ‘they’ and ‘me’, and ‘I’ we are all alike; and the only true difference between the both of us is that I see it and ‘they’ and ‘them’ do not.

So I choke.
For very long, I have eaten their bitter food, their old wine, and have endured it. Longer then most I have blamed me for my problems and them for theirs, and have finally realize I was right and am now with no charge against their wrongs. So I get up and go as a hunter to the kitchen for some food. Hoping then, that when I return to this broken piece of musing, that it will have satisfied its purpose and I can go on believing I don’t feel the pain. Because though I try my best, all is my suffering ocean of tears; and I the island proudly in the center guiding those I hate safely by me. Using every current as a tool for my own bidding, and never doubting once I am in full power over this pain called death.