Look a little deeper

I beat my breast, cut out my tongue,
Blind my eyes, and bind my hands,
Make my bare feet walk on broken glass,
Scourge my back with lines deep enough to tell of my pain,
Deface me and make me a mangled mess,
That I might testify of the horror that is my life,

You can not tell because I am beautiful,
Look a little deeper, and peer into my eyes,
Long enough to find the agony if you dare,
I’m in no condition to expose it myself, so I wait,
Always patiently, never seeing my labor bear fruit,
Always wondering if it made a difference,

Never knowing if the love is real,
Be compassionate; fuck me with your right hand,
That I might be shown mercy where I can find none in him,
Because I chose not to see, or have no eyes to use,
To understand that which everyone else already knows,

Call me what you wish, but I know what I am,
And I am more ashamed then you could ever be of me,
I have no love to give, no longer patients to wait,
No faith to believe, nor hope to long,

Still I am alive and yet not truly living,
I am dead but not in the glory of my God,
Nor in the absence of His presence,
Which my personal hell seems to mimic,

I do not cut so you don’t see the scars,
I do not burn so you won’t find a fire to put out,
Ache hides itself well behind a smile of innocence,
So I am completely masked by everything I hate,

And no one is the wiser, though they might claim to be,
And even those who know dare not walk such unstable ground,
For who knows when it might give way to pride and anger,
The rage which is my very vengeance struck silently upon my world,

I am a hore unto myself, ravaged, marred, and jaded,
I was stolen away from my lovers chambers,
Long before I was of age
When Icould bring Him pleasure I too could comprehend,

Now desolate I beg myself to retreat back to the love I’ve known,
But none of me will have it, and those who fight against me glory,
They are amused at my defenseless attitude,
They know nothing of real love, but only hate and lust,

They sit as pawns for another’s gain, perverted,
Selfishly lashing out violence, hate and murder,
Before the word is given for them to go, they are egger,

I do not know what I long for, because whatever it may be
I have yet to experience it, so I continue to wait,
What seems endless hours of aching pain and needless suffering,

The same pains come back time and again,
They remind me they own me, they are my security,
And I do not fight them, for they are all I know,
But still the longing grows, and suddenly it is too big for me to handle,

So I begin to fight it believing it will overtake me,
It will engulf me, swallowing me whole, and leaving
Nothing of me behind for me to discover;
But isn’t that what I need, to be completely lost?