your braking my heart...

There have been so many time when I wish I could take everyone I know who hurts and heal them. However, me being puny and weak, I know its number one, not my place, and not in my power that this could ever happen. There is a pain lingering that could possibly be healed and won’t be because I chose not to let myself forget.

I read my brothers blog today, he has no idea I have. Mom came over to use the lap top and left his wife-to-be's link on my browser. Having curiosity the size of TX I couldn't help but do a little searching. For a long time we have had no contact with each other beyond maybe a quick afternoon or hello out of politeness. So I wanted badly to see into the mind of someone I barely know anymore. I'm so disappointed.

There was so much talent in his posts, and so much potential. Everything he's chosen to write about is heartfelt and somewhat justified. However, nothing about it was without a motive of anger and pain. There was no patience in his writing, no empathy for anyone but himself. The only time he complimented someone was when referring to a friend he might possibly cut a record with. Maybe the blog is where he vents his frustration to get it out of his system, and that's not how he really speaks to those people. My better judgment knows this is a pipe dream on my part. Considering the source, and understanding different angles, it's unlikely he has any compassion; save only for his beloved cat. Everything else is out of fear, anger, and possibly motivated by pain.

On his girlfriends list of things that makes her laugh he doesn't even make number 10. No where on his blog do I see her name or anything pertaining to her. He asks those he considers friends to call, and somehow I get the feeling some of the writing is meant to impress those same friends. For some reason when I read the blog, something evil in my wanted to be like that. It wasn't a pure sensation, but one filled with guilt, resentment, and envy. I've never felt something like that before, and it was freaking me out so bad I cried over it. The same feeling came over me when I read his girlfriends posts; though not in the same way nor to the same degree. The feeling was matched by a sense of inadequacy, and complete failure.

Someday, maybe...I'll know why that is. Someday, maybe, I'll know what went wrong.